Mentoring for Men
The men’s work space is something near and dear to me and has had a profound impact on my growth and well-being. It introduced me to the concept of nervous system regulation, taught me how to deal with my emotions in creative and constructive ways, was a catalyst for healing my past, and massively elevated my awareness when it comes to intimate relationships and how I show up generally in the world. I’ve participated in men’s initiations, learned from some of the best mentors in this space and started my own men’s group, knowing how beneficial and profound a gathering of men can be for healing and learning. This work is not just for us as individual men, but the results and benefits extend to our partners, children, communities, and beyond.
What brought me to this work was experiencing deep pain and struggling on my own for a long period of time without the support that I’m now offering here. Support that I wish I had before hitting my rock bottom.
Men’s work covers a broad range of topics and has evolved over time drawing from vast sources of wisdom, such as from social sciences, ancestral/indigenous practices, depth and archetypal psychology, trauma recovery, sex therapy, poetry & myth. Men’s work attempts to synthesize this knowledge into actionable steps and practices that men can take to heal, grow, and lead successful lives and relationships. The following paragraphs attempt to provide an overview of specific modern day challenges for men (and those we are in contact with) and areas that you can explore with me in mentorship in conjunction with my traditional coaching offerings.
Spoken and unspoken challenges (and of course, opportunities!) exist for men and there are many reasons for this. Societal norms have shifted, and relational awareness has grown in terms of how our actions affect others and what others may expect from us. Men’s mental health has become an urgent area of focus (75-80% of global suicides are men), and behaviors that were once tolerated as commonplace are rightfully no longer acceptable.
Traditional gender roles are not as rigidly defined as they perhaps were in past generations, as demands on individuals and couples have evolved. To meet the challenges and expectations of today, men are being called upon to become more than stoic providers and protectors. The awareness and skill sets of men must grow and adapt with the times while simultaneously carrying forward strengths and wisdom from earlier generations. The importance of this invitation to evolve is compounded by the lack of rites of passage or initiations where boys are guided across a threshold by male elders into manhood, as was perhaps more commonplace in societies of the past.
There are widely publicized examples of undesirable behavior from men and deserved call outs and cultural movements protesting this behavior (i.e. “Me Too”). For some conscientious, well-intentioned men, the current state of affairs, combined with lack of experience and toxic online rhetoric can have a paralyzing effect or generate anxiety when it comes to approaching dating and sex. Beyond loud online influencers, it can be hard to find models of mature, grounded masculinity within dating dynamics, let alone spaces where conversations on how to navigate in responsible and safe ways exist— conversations centered around autonomy, consent, empathy, presence, transparent communication, pacing, reciprocity, and the vulnerability and humility that intimacy requires. This void leads to frustration all around and no one’s needs and desires getting fulfilled.
Modern factors that contribute to and compound challenges faced by men (and others) are that sex education in schools, for many, was sub-par, much of TV, film, and especially, pornography have distorted what sex, intimacy, and relationships look like. Social media and technology are bombarding us with constant attention distractions– sugar-like dopamine hits that might taste good, but provide no real nourishment– and a feed of superficial and unhelpful advice, further moving us away from real presence and connection.
The “man box” – narratives and the conditioning of what a man “should” be that many boys and young men are bombarded with growing up–from it not being ok to show weakness, vulnerability or emotions, to what is praised becoming instilled/inherited values, i.e. over-emphasizing outcome-based romantic pursuits, and prioritizing individual physical feats and achievements at any cost, while under-indexing connection and relational alignment, cooperation, and emotional prowess. This can leave men unprepared, confused, and even crippled in how they express and navigate the world without a ready road map and consideration of one’s own values and personal preferences.
With the pressure and focus on earning as much as possible and competing in hyper-capitalistic corners of the world, some workplace cultures, societal values and financial reward systems can keep men in their logical, rational, analytical, numerical minds, and deprioritize the creative, emotional, and more heart-centered ways of thinking, feeling, being, and relating to the point of disconnecting us from our very human parts that holistic well-being and relationship success often depend on—in addition to our ability to lead (not just manage) ourselves and others.
Further, our urban dwellings and modern, overly digital culture, can separate us from nature–leading to illness, stress, a lack of understanding of how the natural world works, of how we fit within it, and of why sustainable stewardship of the environment is essential. This can lead to further disconnection from ourselves, our inner nature, and what we truly need to thrive.
“The longest journey you will make in your life is from your head to your heart”
—Gary Zukav
The journey from head to heart (or, more accurately, integrating head and heart), and unlearning deeply engrained conditioning can be a complex and dizzying endeavor, especially when trying to make it solo as so many of us men attempt. The “lone wolf” that values rugged individualism and views asking for help as weakness is actually somewhat ironic–from an evolutionary lens and modern day network/relationship-driven economy perspective, as we thrive in community in both health and material success. Conversely, isolation leads to higher risk of death and economic failure.
Many of us were not fortunate enough to have fathers or other male role models equipped or available to have such important conversations earlier in our lives. Conversations, for example, that explore:
how to hold space for our partners, for people in general, and even or ourselves
how the quality of a man’s presence is likely our number one skill to build as a foundation to all other endeavors
developing trust, creating safety and ensuring alignment in relationships
nervous system awareness and regulation, tuning into what is happening in our bodies and using tools like breathwork to calm, self-manage, and shift emotional states
how and when to set boundaries, how to “fight fair” (healthy/mature conflict navigation) and the art of repair after rupturing connection in relationships
factors that contribute to healthy intimacy, sexual function, and the concept of polarity
how being a “nice guy” can actually be disingenuous and cause harm in the long run and how to directly ask for what we want/need at work and in relationships
reframing fear/anxiety/resistance from something to avoid to a signpost pointing towards growth and perhaps our soul’s calling, and the importance of taking risks in life
connecting with our authenticity, becoming more emotionally available, and how to learn from pain and use it as motivational fuel for learning and growth
how our traumas and attachment wounds can stunt emotional and relational growth if left unaddressed and becoming aware of and integrating our shadow sides so we don’t get in our own way
mitigating negative self-talk (the “inner critic”), developing a healthy relationship with our emotions, specifically anger and how to use anger for good
… among other topics.
This work is not an attempt to define what it means to be a man or what masculinity should be, rather a shame-free opportunity to explore and perhaps pick up some new skills that can yield better self-discipline and self-leadership, deeper and healthier intimacy in relationships, more confidence, clarity and direction, a healthier mindset and self-image, and expanding what you have to offer as a man.
To be clear, this brand of men’s work is supportive of women, equal rights, all genders and orientations and firmly anti-abuse. By addressing common men’s-specific growth areas and challenges, the aim is to promote more harmony and inclusion across the board, contribute positively to relationships, community, workplaces, and the planet, and to serve and protect the more vulnerable–something that feels extra important given the division, violence, inequalities and inequities that remain in the world today.
There is no need to carry the weight of the world all on your shoulders alone. Let’s cut through the noise and confusion together. As the proverb says, “iron sharpens iron”, meaning as men, we can sharpen each other through constructive challenge, support, honesty and accountability. I’m here to be in your corner as a man, supporting you in purpose, work, your relationship with yourself and your relationships with others, so you can show up as the man you’re capable of being. It’s time to drop the excess burdens you’ve been carrying and access more of what’s meant for you.
Men’s work is a broad topic - if anything above has piqued your interest, I encourage you to reach out to explore further via the Contact page. And if you want to keep in touch on future men’s gatherings, news, and other opportunities, sign up for my newsletter or include that interest in your contact message.
Also, if you are a man who feels called to starting up your own men’s group in your community but not sure how to start—First, thanks for stepping up—and second, I can help with you with that, leveraging my experience starting a men’s group and growing a community… something I wholeheartedly recommend getting involved with.
Thanks for reading and for your desire to level up… we got this!
